Erase me
I really don’t know how to handle losing a best friend and a girlfriend on the same day. One day, everything seems perfect and the next, with the involvement of her very manipulative sister, she seems swayed towards a choice and a change of behavior towards me that is difficult to comprehend.
You see someone everyday, and you share everything in your head with them, and they do too, and they care if you’re alive or dead as you do about them and than all of sudden, you are not supposed to exist. It’s “too soon to talk.” Suddenly you go from seeing them everyday to hardly exchanging words.
I wrote a song today (posting this session soon), and part of the lyrics go “I wrote this song, but you never heard it.” That sums up how I feel, I could scream at the sky begging for someone to care and in the end no one really does. I mean people do, but not with the immediacy that she used to care about me.
I’m hurt, frustrated, and I feel emotionally oversensitive. It’s easy for her to just sign off Facebook chat and ignore the phone calls I made to her, but I could have sworn we’d be together until we died.
So many reasons why this could have happened, that doesn’t really matter because I can’t think about that. It already hurts too much sobbing into a pillow and know that the one person you really, really, really thought cared about if you were okay doesn’t care enough to get past the awkward post break up conversation.
I could die and it’d probably just be one of those things where she’d be like “oh that was my ex-boyfriend who died in that horrible car accident.” And someone else would be like “oh my god, that’s so terrible, you poor thing.”
Cape Cod. Cranberry Bog. Clouds. When You Were Young.
Life is full of loss. I was taking a Coping With Life And Death class and we learned that losing someone, even just in an emotional way, can be as psychologically difficult as physically losing someone or even experiencing physical death. I’m not sure if that’s entirely true, but how can you just put something as huge as love or friendship on the shelf, just because you have to?
I love you and I just want to hold you. Seeing these pictures, even that cute little baby picture of you, I feel a wave of bittersweet nostalgia. I smile when I see these them and my stomach hurts.
i’m staying at my dad’s for a couple of weeks. my family’s cat, malcom, crawls under my blankets at night because he’s cold and he likes to cuddle. unimpeded by the need to follow social conventions, (which if he were human would dictate taking the time to get to know me better), he is free to get warm and we’re both pretty happy.
I thought I was lost but this helps me see the relative nature of that thought.
The water was still, as were my thoughts. For the first time and only that year, I was actually happy.
